Bouncing Back from Rejection

Leslie Becker-Phelps

Sujets

• Sociologie, société et politique
• Dating
• Assertiveness
• Social

Informations

• Publié par: New Harbinger Publications
• Date de parution: 01 novembre 2019
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781684034048
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 2 Mo

Extrait

“All of us hurt when we are rejected. But for some, this experience is so crushing that it is not clear how to ever bounce back. In this well-written and carefully crafted book, Leslie Becker-Phelps invites readers on a psychological and social journey in which rejection and fear of rejection are allowed to shine a light on how we relate to our own experience. All of it—including our sensations, thoughts, emotions, actions, and the mentalization of ourselves and others. By learning to take a self-compassionate approach to experience, the reader is shown in a step-by-step way how to turn rejection into greater attachment and connection—with others and with your deeper self.”
— Steven C. Hayes, PhD , Foundation Professor in the department of psychology at the University of Nevada, Reno; codeveloper of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT); and author of A Liberated Mind
“This book is very helpful for those who have recently been rejected or who would just like to have healthier relationships with others. Grounded in solid psychological theory and research, it unpacks why we get stuck in old patterns and how to get unstuck. Highly recommended.”
— Kristin Neff, PhD , associate professor in the department of educational psychology at The University of Texas at Austin
“This book gets right to the heart of overcoming rejection sensitivity—compassionate self-awareness. Using exercises that are easy to apply in daily life, Becker-Phelps offers a positive pathway to feeling more safe and secure in our relationships. She also unpacks in accessible prose the important connections between attachment theory and self-compassion practice. Highly recommended!”
— Christopher Germer, PhD , Harvard Medical School/Cambridge Health Alliance; author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion ; and coauthor of The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook
“ Bouncing Back from Rejection is a wonderful primer for anyone who is struggling with rejection and is curious about gently attending to these sensitivities. By tapping into our basic human needs for love and belonging, Becker-Phelps offers practical and compassionate ways to redirect attention away from chronic self-criticism and toward cultivating a deep sense of self-worth, security, and self-kindness—ultimately fostering resilience for the quirky challenges of being part of the human family.”
— Tara Cousineau, PhD , staff psychologist at Harvard University Counseling Center; senior faculty at the Center for Mindfulness and Compassion, Cambridge Health Alliance, Cambridge, MA; and author of The Kindness Cure
“This book first reveals the immense power that fear of rejection can have over us. Then, clearly and compassionately, Leslie Becker-Phelps shares the puzzle pieces—awareness, reflection, and reframing—that can release our fear and create a newfound sense of freedom.”
— Sharon Salzberg , cofounder of the Insight Meditation Society, and author of Real Happiness and Lovingkindness
“For anyone struggling with actual or perceived rejection by others, this book provides a lifeline. Leslie Becker-Phelps clearly understands the issue, including its anticipation and painful aftereffects. She offers a variety of very practical strategies for making changes based on an integration of contemporary treatment and self-help approaches. A book that compassionately and comprehensively attends to a topic that gets far too little attention.”
— Christine A. Courtois, PhD, ABPP , licensed psychologist in private practice (now retired); consultant and trainer in trauma psychology and trauma treatment; coauthor of Treating Complex Trauma , with Julian Ford; and author of Healing the Incest Wound
“ Bouncing Back from Rejection will help you uncover the courage, self-worth, and resilience that are naturally at the foundation of who you are. Take your time with it, absorb it into your life, and watch the gifts grow.”
— Elisha Goldstein, PhD , founder of the Mindful Living Collective, and creator of A Course in Mindful Living
“In Bouncing Back from Rejection , the generous and passionate author gives us all she has, drawing on the science of attachment, mindfulness, and compassion-focused imagery. Feelings of rejection are at the heart of so much of our emotional suffering. What better path, than a path to self-acceptance, inner security, and kindness?”
— Dennis Tirch, PhD , founder of The Center for Compassion Focused Therapy, associate clinical professor at Mount Sinai, and author of The ACT Practitioner’s Guide to the Science of Compassion


Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2019 by Leslie Becker-Phelps
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Jennye Garibaldi
Edited by Karen Levy
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file


Contents
Foreword
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Chapter 1: Feeling Rejection Can Be Complicated
Chapter 2: Commitment to Change: Concepts and Tools
Chapter 3: Sensations
Chapter 4: Thoughts
Chapter 5: Emotions
Chapter 6: Actions
Chapter 7: Mentalizing
Chapter 8: Building Self-Acceptance
Chapter 9: Nurturing Compassionate Self-Awareness
Chapter 10: Recovery Through Relationships
Postscript
List of Emotions
Bibliography
Foreword
Why do we need a book about moving from rejection to resilience? It’s because we humans didn’t evolve to be happy. Instead, our brains evolved to help us survive and reproduce. Activities that contribute to surviving and reproducing—like eating, keeping warm, and having sex—instinctively feel good. Experiences that threaten our survival—such as being injured, thirsty, too cold, or too hot—feel bad. Any of our ancestors who didn’t share these reactions, who weren’t hard-wired to act in ways that supported survival and reproduction, didn’t get to pass their DNA on to us.
In prehistory, one of the greatest threats to our survival was rejection. Imagine our ancestors, living in groups of 25 to 50, roaming from place to place on the African savanna one hundred thousand years ago. They needed one another to hunt for food, for protection from hostile animals, and for mutual care when someone fell ill or was injured. To be rejected from the tribe was a death sentence—no one lasted long alone on the savanna.
Any of our ancestors whose brains hadn’t evolved to dislike rejection would have alienated others, been thrown out of the tribe, and died without heirs. So we didn’t inherit their DNA. Instead, we inherited the genes of ancient hominids who survived by worrying a lot about being accepted and included.
Even in modern times, being accepted matters a lot. We humans are born completely dependent on adults. As infants, we can’t eat, keep warm, or protect ourselves from injury without adult care. One of our very first survival tasks after taking our first breath is to find a way to connect safely to adults who will care for us. To this day, having a brain that is hungry for acceptance and fearful of rejection is essential for our survival.
But while our instinct to avoid rejection has had enormous survival value, it sure causes a lot of unnecessary suffering. When someone we know passes us on the street or in a hallway and doesn’t say “hello,” what happens in our heart and mind? When a friend doesn’t call or we find out about a party to which we weren’t invited, how do we feel? When our colleague gets the promotion and we don’t, what goes through our mind?
While sometimes we’re able to consider that our acquaintance was preoccupied, that there wasn’t room to invite everyone to the party, or that our colleague deserved the advance more, most of the time we also feel disappointment—or worse. We may go into a tailspin, wonder what we did to alienate the other person, muse about why we’re not part of the in-crowd, or feel inadequate about our skills. We can easily suffer a self-esteem crash that makes it hard to see our situation objectively and may lead us into a cycle of withdrawal or avoidance that robs us of opportunities to fully engage in our lives.
What to do? Fortunately, we humans didn’t only evolve instincts to hate rejection. We also developed ways to manage these feelings and cultivate antidotes—ways to grow from our emotional injuries, separate our fears from real dangers, gain perspective on our strengths and weaknesses, soothe ourselves when injured, and safely connect to others.
In the pages ahead, you’ll find a practical, step-by-step guide that anyone can use to harness these resilient capacities and turn our hard-wired aversion to rejection into an opportunity to grow and thrive. Seamlessly integrating modern psychological science, ancient wisdom traditions, and years of clinical practice, Dr. Becker-Phelps offers us easy-to-use tools to turn the pain and fear of rejection into an opportunity to live a richer and more rewarding life—giving us a pathway to the happiness that our brains, narrowly focused on survival, don’t always provide. While moving from rejection to resilience can at times be challenging, it’s a journey well worth taking.
—Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD
Assistant Professor of Psychology, Harvard Medical School
Author of The Mindfulness Solution: Everyday Practices for Everyday Problems
Acknowledgments
Writ