Why Not?

Mark Schiff

Description

Mainstream media targets to include outlets covering humor, human interest, Jewish media, LA media, NY media, and more: Outlets to include the likes of The Cut, Vulture, Mashable, HelloGiggles, Mic, Entertainment Weekly, WTF with Marc Maron, The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, The New Yorker, LA Times, and more.

Author’s podcast and tour to promote the book: The author will promote the book on his podcast and during his upcoming standup comedy tours. The podcast, You Don’t Know Schiff, launched in February 2022 and on it the author regularly interviews A-list comedians. It has over 100 five-star reviews on Apple Podcasts. A recent one-hour episode spotlighted the book (apple.co/3SPMgaI), and the author will continue to promote the book on the podcast. He will also be promoting it on his nationwide tour this fall and winter (https://bit.ly/SchiffTourDates) and be able to do signings at bookstores in the cities he performs in.

Releasing in time for the 2022 holidays: Extra promotion to be given to secure placement in holiday gift roundups. Humor books make ideal gifts.

Promotion by celebrity endorsers: Author will ask the celebrity endorsers and his massive, devoted community to promote the book on social, including Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Maher, Colin Quinn, and others.

Trade media outreach: Book is well-written and compelling and should elicit reviews from Publishers Weekly, Kirkus, Library Journal, Booklist, and Shelf Awareness.

Targeted digital advertising with SEO keywords to reach fans of comedy, Jewish audiences, Seinfeld fans, and those looking for holiday gifts.

Acclaimed author with built-in audience: Author is a world-renowned stand-up comic and comedy writer and the book perfectly encapsulates his wit. Fans of Schiff, from his extensive touring, his HBO and Showtime specials, his popular plays, and his new podcast, You Don't Know Schiff, will flock to this.

Wealth of celebrity endorsers: Jerry Seinfeld has written the foreword and blurbs of endorsement are already in from Bill Maher, Colin Quinn, Kevin Nealon, and many more household names. Author will reach out to his wide network to promote the book on social on its release and he will promote worldwide on his tours.

Timely topic with proven category interest: Books by comedians have had massive appeal in recent years, particularly as the desire for humor and escape skyrockets, and Jewish humor books regularly reach wide audiences. This book appeals to both, and will attract fans of Jerry Seinfeld’s Is This Anything? (10/20, 233,000 RTD) and Dave Barry’s A Field Guide to the Jewish People (9/19, 11,000 RTD).

Successful author history: Previously the author was coeditor of I Killed: True Stories of the Road from America’s Top Comics. Combined HC (10/06) and PB (11/07) sales of the book scan at nearly 24,000 copies.

Proven appeal: The book was inspired by the author’s beloved and long-running column in Los Angeles’s Jewish Journal, which has an estimated readership of more than 150,000, and which he has contributed to since 2000.

Incredible unseen photos of comics: 16 color photos will show the author with icons over the years, such as Jerry Seinfeld, Bob Saget, Chris Rock, Danny DeVito, Chevy Chase, Ellen DeGeneres, George Carlin, Mike Myers, Seth Rogen, and more, in the process also revealing who these legends were in their career’s formative years.

 

Thank you for purchasing (I hope) a copy of my new book, Why Not?: Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Chutzpah. Please do not let the title fool you. This book is not just for Jews or for that matter, the courageous. This book is for everyone who wants to laugh, wants to cry and wants to lose weight and not gain it back.

How this book came about was one day many years ago, I received a call from the editor of the Los Angeles Jewish Journal. The Jewish Journal is a major weekly newspaper that is filled with one article after another by Jews complaining about everything from war to tiddlywinks. The editor asked me if I would write an article for the paper. I had never written one before, but I said, “why not?”  Why not?

Those two words “Why not?” is why you are holding this book right now. I am sure right before you bought it, you probably thought “Why not?” It is not uncommon that two words can change a person’s life. When I got married, I said, “I do.” Those two words changed my life, my bank account and what I thought was a necessity for sex. I bet if you tried you could also locate two words that changed your life.

I had so much fun writing that first article. For me, it was a whole new creative experience. Plus, the people who read it seemed to really like it. So, I decided to write another and another and now I have a book’s worth. After just a few articles, I started hearing from the readers things like, “When I open the paper, the first thing I do is look to see if you wrote an article this week.”  “You’re my favorite writer in the paper.” Whether or not any of that is true, it is a good feeling to know that people have enjoyed my work.

After a life time of writing jokes, traveling the world, and taking my jokes to strangers in a few hundred small and big towns across the globe, it’s nice to have something that I don’t have to get on a plane and deliver to you while standing under a row of hot lights. I hope you enjoy the book and maybe one day someone might ask you to do something that you have never done before.  Don’t forget the two words that might also change your life.  “Why Not?”

Foreword by Jerry Seinfeld

Introduction

 

1. Age

May You Live Till

Oy Vey Iz Mir

The Incredible Shrinking Man

The Show Must Go On

 

2. Community

Craving Community

I Don’t Have to Go, Now I Get to Go

It’s In You, So Share You

Amazing, Amazing

Gooood Shabbas

I Love My Neighborhood

 

3. Dieting

Excuse-Aholism

Jews, Non-Jews, and Weight Loss

My Downfall is Bread

Eat, Pray, Eat

You’re Too Thin

 

4. Family

Here Comes the Judge

I Used to Have a Life

What is a Typical Jewish Mother?

The Miserable Side of Dining Out

All You Need Is Love? Maybe

I Saw Ma

Traveling with My Father

The Orphan

 

5. Friends

The Importance of Friends

Get A Couple

Abu Mustafa Calls Me His Brother

The Big Snub

Don’t Ever Quit on Yourself

 

6. Funny

Consult Your Doctor

The War on Culture

What’s All the Complaining About?

The Most Jewish Comedian Ever

The Punchless Punchline

Heeere’s Mark Schiff

 

7. Helping Others

Coronavirus and Sumo Wrestling

Willingness

A Great Phone Call

A Valued Customer

As the World Turns

A Tight Twenty Minutes

Brother From a Different Mother

I Want to Be Around for All of You

My Uncle Miltie

Simon Says Do This

 

8. Hope

“B” Positive is Not Just a Blood Type

The Perfect Circle

Let There Be Light

The Blessing

Sealed with a Kiss

 

9. Kindness

Always Keep Your Promises to Your Dog

How a Christmas Gift Changed a Young Jewish Boy’s Life Forever

The Candy Man

The Haircut

Pause When Agitated

A Period of Transition

Ruby: A Lesson in Kindness

The Rumor Mill

 

10. Love

Don’t Fence Me In

The Good Old Days

I’m Proud of You

 

11. Marriage

Proof There is a God

Seinfeld, Bradley Cooper, and My Wife

Two Million

You Look Marvelous

 

12. Parenting

Great Catch, Champ

Never Talk While Eating Fish

They Are Back

The Nineteen Boxes

Smell My New Car

The Nearness of You

Pay Attention

Welcome to the Club

 

13. Self-Help

How to Accomplish Getting

Nothing Done

I Love Your Smile

Lost and Found

Nap Time

I Don’t Want to Exercise

Keep Your Two Cents to Yourself

 

14. Famous Friends

The Day Bob Dylan Came to My House

Katharine Hepburn and Me

Hey, Carl, Don’t Forget Your Toupee

What’s a Kid from the Bronx Doing Hanging Out with Sir Anthony Hopkins?

Free Cars

 

15. Stand-Up

The Night

“There Goes the Neighborhood”

The Road

Caesars to Cedars

Portrait of a Young Comedian

 

Acknowledgments

Photos

Sujets

• Humor
• Religión
• Chanukah
• Comedy
• Judaism
• Hanukkah
• Religion
• Hanoucca
• Topic

Informations

• Publié par: Apollo Publishers
• Date de parution: 08 novembre 2022
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781954641174
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 2 Mo

Extrait

Why Not?


Why Not?
Lessons on Comedy,
Courage, and Chutzpah
MARK SCHIFF
Foreword by Jerry Seinfeld



Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage, an d Chutzpah
Copyright © 2022 by M ark Schiff
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be sent by email to Apollo Publishers at [e-mail]. Apollo Publishers books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales promotional use. Special editions may be made available upon request. For details, contact Apollo Publishers at info@apollopubli shers.com.
Visit our website at www.apollopubli shers.com.
Published in compliance with California’s Propo sition 65.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2022936517
Print ISBN: 978-1-9 54641-16-7
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-9 54641-17-4
Printed in the United States o f America.


Contents
Foreword by Jerry S einfeld ix
Intro duction xi
1. Age 1
2. Co mmunity 11
3. Dieting 27
4. Family 39
5. Friends 63
6 . Funny 79
7. Helping Others 97
8 . Hope 131
9. Ki ndness 143
10 . Love 165
11. Ma rriage 173
12. Par enting 183
13. Sel f-Help 203
14. Famous F riends 217
15. St and-Up 233
Acknowled gments 247
Praise for Mark Schiff and Wh y Not? 249


Every comedian-writer should have a partner who besides being the love of one’s life is also a constant supplier of endless new comedy material and a crackerjack editor like my wife, Nancy, is. This book is dedicated to her, as if not for her, my act and this book would be but a dream. And to my kids, who support every crazy idea of mine as long as I keep giving them money and gifts. I love you all. And to all the people who have listened to my jokes and decided they were funny enough not to ask for their money back afte r my show.


Foreword by Jerry Seinfeld
M ark Schiff and I have been joined in comedy our entire adult lives. We met in the hot summer of 1976 in the bar at the Comic Strip comedy club in Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Mark was famous for wearing a little knit baby hat as we all sat around waiting to go onstage. We became friends instantly and had millions of 2:00 a.m. breakfasts at all-night diners around the city. Mark introduced me to the greatness of Frank Sinatra, Buster Keaton, and Rodney Dangerfield. We still work together doing dozens of performance dates all over the country ev ery year.
The thing I love about Mark is that his love of comedy is so pure. We still sit in diners talking about how it works or doesn’t and who’s doing what and how that’s working or isn’t. This collection of stories by Mark tells of so many amazing events in his life. And it’s very true to him. I’ve known Mark my entire adult life, and I’ve never seen him go for very long without telling me another absolutely mind-boggling story of something that happened to him years ago—and often something involving some legendary iconic figure like Bob Dylan or Katharine Hepburn.
Mark has been the greatest comedy pal a guy could ever wish for, and I can’t imagine taking the journey of comedy life without him. Most of all, he is a great storyteller, and this book really shows off not only his amazing sense of humor but also his warmth, wisdom, and invaluable life perspective, which means everything to me. This book is a great way for you to get to kno w him too.


Introduction
T hank you for purchasing (I hope) a copy of my new book, Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Chutzpah . Please do not let the Yiddish in the title fool you. This book is not just for Jews or, for that matter, the courageous. This book is for everyone who wants to laugh, wants to cry, and wants to lose weight and not gain it back.
How this book came about was that one day many years ago, I received a call from the editor of Los Angeles’s Jewish Journal . The Jewish Journal is a major weekly newspaper that is filled with one article after another mostly by Jews complaining about everything from war to tiddlywinks. All kidding aside, the Jewish Journal is a terrific paper and a very important one. The editor asked me if I would write an article for the paper. I had never written one before, but I said, “Why not?” and those two words are why you are holding this book right now. I am sure right before you bought it, you probably thought, Why not? It is not uncommon that two words can change a person’s life. When I got married, I said, “I do.” Those two words changed my life, my bank account, and what I thought was a necessity for sex. I bet if you tried you could also locate two words that changed your life.
I had so much fun writing that first article. For me it was a whole new creative experience, and the people who read it seemed to really like it. So I decided to write another, and another. After just a few articles, I started hearing from the readers, things like, “When I open the paper, the first thing I do is look to see if you wrote an article this week” and “You’re my favorite writer in the paper.” Whether or not any of that is true, it is a good feeling to know that people have enjoyed my work.
After a lifetime of writing comedy, traveling the world, and sharing my jokes with strangers in hundreds of towns across the globe, it’s nice to have something that I don’t have to get on a plane and deliver to you while standing under a row of hot lights. I hope you enjoy the book, and maybe one day someone might ask you to do something that you have never done before. Don’t forget the two little words that might also change your life, and ask, Why not?


1
Age
May You Live Till 120
A t Marvin’s fiftieth wedding anniversary, he toasts, “May my lovely Dora live till 119, and may I live till 120.” Someone asks, “How come you to 120 and Dora 119?” Marvin responds, “So I can have at least one year of peace an d quiet.”
Jews are always wishing other Jews that they should live till 120. That’s because Moses lived till 120; but remember, Moses was a mountain climber, so he was probably in better shape than mo st of us.
The way things are going and the way I’m already stiffening up, I can’t imagine being able to lift even a pinky at 120. I have always had trouble telling people my real age. It started young. When I was ten I told them I was twelve. In show business they ask you what age range you think you are. That would be great in real life. “How old are you?” “I’m between thirty-seven and for ty-four.”
Age has always spooked me. Last year an old friend from high school came to see me. He looked so old, I chased him out of my dress ing room.
I remember I once had a date and I lied to her about my age. I told her I was ten years younger than I was. When I told my friend what I had done, he asked me why I lied. I said because I was afraid she would not want to go out with me. He said, “That’s ridiculous. You’re a good person and she won’t care. It’s what’s inside you that counts.” So I told her my real age and she immediately dumped me. I guess she couldn’t see inside of me. Because she dumped me, I never got the chance to see insid e of her.
Men are famous for leaving their wives for a younger model. And women leave their husbands for the pool maintenance guy. That’s why I never got a pool and I live in a “maintenance-f ree” home.
Just so I can feel younger, the only people I tell my real age to are people much older than I am. A while back, I was with the great comedian Shecky Greene, who was in his midnineties. When I told him how old I was, he looked disappointed. He seemed to be hoping for someone much younger to be sitting nex t to him.
I’m only now starting to accept my age, because I’m finally starting to accept who I am. When I was younger, aging represented failure. I felt I should be further along for my age, that I should be more successful for my age. About twenty years ago, I told a great writer friend of mine, Hubert Selby Jr., who has since passed, that I thought I should be more successful by now. He said, “I guess I shou ld also.”
The truth is, it’s always been painful to lie about age. It’s been painful not to tell people exactly who I am. Whenever anyone finds out how old I am, it means little to them. In fact, they mostly have nice things to say, like “You look young for your age” or “You’re in good shape for your age.” Sometimes they can’t b elieve it.
What I now realize is, if I can’t accept myself for who and what I am, how can I expect others to accept me? And isn’t acceptance a big key to life? Accepting yourself and others. Isn’t acceptance one key to a happy marriage and raising kids? When I’m upset or not happy with someone, it’s because there is something in them that I am not willing to accept or something in me that I’m not willing to accept. In order for me to change something that I don’t like about myself, I have to first accept it i n myself.
The one thing I can’t change about myself, no matter how hard I try, is my age. I’m stuck with it. Even the great Jack Benny professed to never age past 39. So if you want to know exactly how old I am, as of this writing I’m somewhere between 30 and 120. If you don’t accept that, look it up on IMDb.
Oy Vey Iz Mir 1
I have a friend who told me he takes three pills a day to help him increase his saliva. He told me his doctor said that as you get older, sometimes your saliva dries up. Nice. Something new to worry about as I age—a saliva shortage. Nothing worse for a comedian than to be onstage and a cup short of mois t saliva.
When it comes to aging, people have a lot to say about it. For instance: “You’re only as old as you feel,” “Age is in the mind,” and “What’s th